She’s the fire I’d walk towards without hesitation.
Let me first introduce the reason I found Sidney. This woman, a therapist, she reminds me of myself so much that I find myself feeling the things she is feeling. And I know what they feel like because I have felt them and I crave them. She’s married and has a daughter. She’s not unhappy but she’s a thrill seeker. She meets a girl, a patient’s ex. He says she’s like the sun, you know you shouldn’t stare at it but you just can’t help but look anyway. Something like that. Anyway, I’ve been there. Been so intrigued and excited by someone that you know you shouldn’t be. That you know this thrill is fleeting. But the rush is similar to a drug. And once you’ve had a taste. Well.
She starts seeing this girl while pretending to be someone else. This girl thinks she’s a writer and that her name is Diane. But in reality, she’s a therapist named Jean. The crazy thing is that Sidney’s ex tells Jean that Sidney (the alluring sun) is a liar and manipulative but so intoxicating. Meanwhile “Diane” is the liar. Sidney tells her story to sound more exciting and rare. But Diane, she’s escaping some other world that someone in her life once told her was her only option. To settle down and commit to a lifestyle she always ran from. Her husband knows that so when she starts slipping away he knows it’s temporary. She’s an addict, chasing her high. She’s so transparent in her lie that it almost seems real. But the reason we are only one person is because we would never be able to keep up being more than who we truly are. I think Jean knows Diane is her true self but keeping her in the background is less painful than letting her come to the surface the way she did before she settled down.
The reason this intrigues me so much is because I feel that I am constantly chasing the next adrenaline high. The next high that makes my heart beat faster and my stomach turn. Good or bad. And withdrawing from that drug seems to be similar to the withdrawal of any other drug. And this is one we don’t have a choice but be addicted to. There is no rehab for this kind of addiction. And no high is high enough because you know that you can always get higher. You can’t overdose and that’s dangerous in itself. It consumes you and your life, much like the worst drug. Except it can’t kill you. You just have to live with it. Deciding whether to succumb to the high or fight the addiction. Which you can’t. There is no deciding.
She looks at Sidney the way I’ve looked at one other. The excitement of knowing that you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing but doing it anyway because nothing in this world can replicate that intensity. Maybe I mistake passion for this but I know what passion feels like and it can still be dull compared to this. This thrill of leaving your life for something that isn’t yours. It doesn’t belong to you and you know that but you live it as if it was. As if you didn’t know anything before it.
Secrets. That is what makes each situation more exciting. But secrets only kill if you let them. If they stay secrets, then who can they hurt? And at some points there are no secrets because you have no one to keep them from. On the other side if you’re not the one keeping the secrets it can be hard to see why the other would even try to keep your secrets. Because you can’t see the point when you have no one to hurt but yourself.
I think a lot of this behavior stems from the world but also from the soul. There are certain people whose souls can’t be set at one pace or intensity. Ebbing and flowing like the tides. But the riptides. Those are the ones that take us away. Us with the spit fire souls that tear us from our lives the way the riptide tears you from the shore. Into an unknown abyss not knowing if you’ll make it out alive. Not understanding which way is up but not being able to control it if you tried. Our souls are the ocean and there is so much that is unknown in the depths where you can’t see the sun anymore. The darkness hides those desires and passions that most are too afraid to dive for. But not us. Wild souls.
Last night while watching, Jean’s mother looked at her after talking about getting a full time house made and said “you cannot live in chaos”. Knowing full well that this was not about the house, Jean walked away from her mother. He mom knows about her reckless past and I can only imagine that Jean’s first thought was “that’s the only way to live”.
We live in a world where chaos is all around us and we choose to succumb to it or ghost it as if it didn’t exist. Chaos is an entity not a state of being. We are all susceptible to it. Only… not all chaos is the same and some of us welcome it. We aren’t succumbing or going under in chaos we are walking towards it smiling with a burning soul. How could you possibly keep your soul on fire without engulfing yourself in the flames. If you walk away from the flames and the chaos you risk the chance of your soul dying. I guess that’s a risk that Jean took when she settled down. It was only a matter of time before her soul caught a taste of the fire and ran right back into the flames. Light a match, catch the flame.
We don’t see the “chaos” as chaos though. Its adventure, adrenaline, beauty and life. There is no negative connotation the comes with the word chaos to us. It’s essentially the reason we are still living. And I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally and mentally. The only reason we aren’t walking around with a dark cloud and in someone else’s skin. Boredom is deathly in a body like this.